Today I feel good. The sun is bright and the few snowflakes I saw filled me with anticipation. They made me smile. It was like a beauty, a lightness, a wispiness. It’s like when you’re a child waiting for the first big storm. Everything, all of my errands, all of my interactions seemed to be filled with this type of energy. When I was in Goodwill one of the associates came over and started talking to me. It was a long conversation.
I realized that when people come up and talk to me I take the time, listen, and respond. I don’t brush them off; I see them. I’ve been told that I’m too nice because I don’t send them away.
I finished my errands and on the way home I realized I had a calm joy inside. It’s still there, not from any external situation, not for any reason. It’s just there. If I let my mind come in, I realize the feeling is foreign. I’m not used to feeling this way. It is simultaneously both comfortable and uncomfortable. I am letting it flow, though, to be part of me. I’m going to stay out of the mind as best I can until this is second nature. I really can’t say how it started. It was just a revelation, an opening and release.
Don’t get me wrong. Shit will always happen. Obstacles will come up. Buttons will be manipulated, but from this place of connection they will not be pushed. If they are, I will be aware and work to diffuse the circuit until it is only flow. There is a place where we can hold the big picture while connecting to the spirits who guide us, the ancestors who are in our bones and blood. I will walk where I am guided.
What does joy feel like to me? Am I comfortable there? Do I welcome or avoid the feeling? What fear keeps me from allowing myself to stay with joy, not ignoring the jolts and difficult situations that come up, but allowing it to live within me and guide me through? Where do I keep my happiness? Is it hidden or allowed to explore and roam free throughout my body, mind, and spirit?